“Do you think because you touched me you know me?
You’re just a boy and I have galaxies growing inside of me”
Being all shook up for you is not a great feeling. I used to adore you from afar, but someone went and told on me, and now you know. Now I know you now, and you haven’t said a thing. This used to be fun, and now I just feel needy. I don’t need you, I just need to know. We could still be friends if that’s what you’d like. I don’t need you to like me like I like you. The only thing I would hold against you is my body, if you asked me to. Just give me some sign. I hate begging but it’s been days and I just want you to notice me again.
I feel like I’m being gaslit… but that’s the nasty thing, isn’t it? You just can’t tell. Everything feels like it’s 2 inches to the left, and a half-inch forward from where it used to be. It gets my hackles up. A sickening prickle at the base of my spine. Every step feels like a mis-step, and I’m ready to fall face-first into whatever it is that catches me.
Were those drapes blue? Wasn’t that plant on the left?
And then it gets personal. My friends don’t seem to remember what I do. I feel like I’m slipping into someone else’s life, barely distinguishable from my own. I’m in the wrong place. The wrong body. I thought we had dinner together last week… or was it the week before? It starts with simple things- things that are easily mistakable. You make concessions. Maybe you’re just mis-remembering. Everyone does, we’re only human, right? But it starts to add up. How much can one person really forget before they start to question their own mental fortitude? Spanned out over a long enough period of time, you might never. Small things, here and there. Tiny changes. Minuscule; until your whole world is different and you concede that it was ever thus.
And what would I do if I knew for sure? If I retraced the steps? If I found out who or what was doing this to me? What power in the universe, to move me molecule by molecule into someone else’s life? It would drive anyone mad to face that, don’t you think? At this point I’m almost there, as it is.
I’m just not sure about anything anymore. There’s a whole ‘nother life in a dream that I remember; I think it might be real. Might have been real.
I don’t know what to say… or to whom. It’s not safe.
Story and Credits under cut
Hot summer days.
Days on the beach, days with friends. Days of screaming seagulls, sand between your toes, ice cream dripped on your favourite shirt, and surprise sun showers. Days for holding hands- but not for too long. For wearing wide-brimmed straw hats and great big sunglasses and feeling like a movie star. Running barefoot as quickly as you can down the road to the corner store for ice cream.
Summer nights are warm. The pavement still keeps some of its heat from the sunny day. The lights blink on and shimmer in the clear night air. The Ferris wheel glitters in primaries, and the thick smell of tiny doughnuts and cotton candy moves on the warm breeze. You’re not sure what’s being said, but you’re laughing. Exhausted and happy, and only somewhat regretting wearing high heels. Kissing and falling in love, if only for tonight. Spending your savings on little pieces of summer to take home with you. Kick your shoes off and fall asleep naked with your fan humming away on your nightstand. Rest, ready for the next day.
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